Second Chances

Karina lay quietly in bed and listened to a woman she didn't know cry into her pillow. She had never seen her on the streets before yesterday, and this was the stranger's first night at the City Rescue Shelter. Karina did not speculate what her story might be, and the mournful sobs elicited no sympathy. Karina was beyond wondering about the lives of any of the women she slept beside and with whom she took her meals at the mission. There was too much turmoil in her own life to get involved in the lives of others - too much pain of her own to see beyond it.

The weeping took her back two years to the first few days after she left home -after the terrible fight with her mother. It had been such a stupid fight that started with an innocent remark about how nice it would be to have children some day. Karina's mother didn't think it was a good idea.

"You better learn how to take care of yourself before you bring a child into the world," her mother had warned. "You are running out of second chances, Karina. I'm not going to pick up the pieces for you forever."

Her mother was obviously afraid she'd end up caring for any baby that Karina might bear. It was a cruel thing to throw in Karina's face just when she was beginning to hope for some kind of normal life. It was true, of course; Karina had messed up so many times and had been forced to go back to live with her parents. It was probably stupid to think things would change if she had a baby. But she hadn't been ready to believe that there was anything wrong then. Even with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, Karina had thought all she needed was the freedom to make her own mistakes and she would be fine. She knew differently now. But that was before the last two cycles of mania and depression.

She had accused her mother of trying to control her. It turned into a screaming match and ended with Karina packing a bag and driving her old Ford Pinto two days to Illinois. After a week of crying, things were okay for a while. She'd gotten a job in Chicago; it was always easy to get a job for Karina. Keeping it was the hard part. She'd been full of ideas, often staying up all night working and planning, and well on her way to a promotion when things began to fall apart again. They fired her just before her rent was due and with both of her credit cards maxed to the limit. It was a short trip to the street when she started drinking to forget her problems. It was the only way she could endure the black hole that always followed the manic phase.

She'd hitched a ride down south when it got too cold on the street, then all the way back to New Mexico where she felt more at home. She hadn't gone home, though, hadn't even called her mother. She'd picked up the phone a couple of times, but had been too ashamed when her mother's words replayed over in her mind. "You are running out of second chances, Karina. I'm not going to pick up the pieces for you forever."

Karina had been in Albuquerque for a year now. She'd taken a job briefly working as a waitress, but left it after three months when they began to talk about her behind her back. Life itself seemed to be conspiring against Karina, for everywhere she turned there were obstacles that thwarted all of her efforts at a normal life. The worst of it was that Karina began to hate herself. She had failed at everything she tried and hurt everyone who ever loved her.

Karina's mother, Doris, lay awake just ten miles away in the suburbs. She hadn't slept a night through since her daughter left home after their fight two years before. She would awaken and begin to think about where Karina might be and what she might be doing. Was she eating regularly? Did she have a warm place to sleep? Was she drinking again? So many questions without answers -- so many regrets. If only Doris could live that day over again. It was natural enough for Karina to want the things other girls have. Just because she was mentally ill didn't mean that she didn't long for a normal life. Doris knew she should have been understanding and not reacted as she did. Karina had just begun to put her life back together again. She had even been taking her medication, albeit not without a lot of supervision, and she had been talking about working again. It's just that when Karina mentioned wanting a family of her own, it just went all over Doris. She didn't have any life of her own for worrying about her daughter -- taking care of her - cleaning up the messes after Karina's poor choices landed her into trouble again. Didn't Karina realize how stressful motherhood was? It was almost more than Doris could bear herself -- and she wasn't bipolar. Karina could barely function without the pressures and responsibilities of having children to care for. Still, Doris shouldn't have lost her temper and yelled the way she had. Karina was gone now - and she was dealing with life and her illness on her own. Doris was powerless to help her child.

To cope with the helplessness, Doris had started going to a support group and had learned a lot about mental illness since her daughter had been gone - things she wished she had known before. She prayed every night that it wasn't too late.

"Don't worry," her husband always said. "No news is good news."

It was a hard sell, though. Doris remembered how bad it had gotten for Karina even while they were close by and ready to help. Without a safety net, how could it be any better for a young woman alone living with a serious mental illness? She couldn't shake the feeling that Karina was living on the street.

"And there's nothing I can do," she complained at the last support meeting.

"Perhaps not for Karina right now, but there is plenty to do," one of the other mothers with a mentally ill child had said. "You could volunteer at the NAMI office, or the Crisis Center, or maybe the homeless shelter. It would give you something to do besides worrying."

And so it was that Karina and her mother met by accident the next day as Doris put a spoonful of mashed potatoes on her daughter's plate.

"Mama?" Karina said in disbelief. "Mama - what are you doing here?"

Doris was speechless as she stared back for a moment or two, marveling at the coincidence. Through tears, she answered, "I guess I was looking for another second chance."

THE END